"Birthmothers" Open Adoption Stories
   "Adoption practice works on the premise that, in order to save the child,
   one must first destroy its mother." - Dian Wellfare, founder of Origins Inc.


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dear birthmother letters

 

Married vs. "unmarried" - Pregnancy, Birth and Falling in Love with Your Baby


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Adoption: The Damage to Children

Dear Expectant Mother,

If you are considering surrendering your child for adoption, please reconsider. That unborn baby is your flesh and blood and your child needs YOU in order to truly thrive.

When your baby is born, it is your heartbeat that he or she wishes to rest against. It is your voice he or she is waiting to hear. Your sound, your unique scent, the very cells in your body became known to your child before birth. Bonding is already accomplished before the first cry is heard. 

Do not deny the wisdom of your own flesh. You need your child and your child needs you.

"But why does everyone say I should 'place my baby' for adoption?"

Adoption agencies, adoption lawyers, even charities, have an agenda: to make money.  Money for wages, money for expansion, money for year-end bonuses, and for businesses: profit.

To do so, they must convince you to relinquish your baby (now called "making an adoption plan") so they can broker that baby to a paying customer for a fee.  The agency might tell you that adoption is "in the best interest of your child" or play upon your natural nervousness about whether you will be a good parent.  DON'T BELIEVE THEM - all evidence says that the "best interest of your child" is to remain with you and your extended family.  Resources are out there to help you keep your baby.

And remember: unless yours was a virgin birth, don't hesitate to call upon the natural father or his family for support! He has a responsibility to support the baby created by the two of you. IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO!


The Effects of Adoption on Your Baby:

If you surrender your baby to adoption, you will be condemning him or her to suffer these proven harmful effects:

1.  The severe trauma of being separated from you will radiate throughout every aspect of your baby's life. Your baby will experience your loss as the psychological death of his mother. There will never be closure.

2.  Your baby will know the difference between you and his female adopter because he has bonded with you during your pregnancy. He knows your scent and your heartbeat. He seaches for the smell of your milk - not hers.

3.  Your baby will feel abandoned by you, often resulting in a lifelong inability to trust anyone.

4.  Your baby will always wonder why you didn't keep him and will blame himself for not being lovable enough to keep - a todder's realization that they were adopted. Many adult adopted people find they still carry this feeling inside - and it influences adult relationships (see Relinquishment and Intimacy)

5.  As your baby grows up, your child may feel like a misfit and will suffer from low self esteem.

6.  Your child may think about you constantly. This may cause your child to have difficulty concentrating on his schoolwork. Your child will be labeled a "dreamer" and a "bad student," further harming his chances for success in life.

7.  Your child's adopters may not understand his lack of concentration and he could easily be misdiagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). If misdiagnosed, they will force your child to take drugs that he doesn't need.

8.  Your child will lose his true identity while his adopters try to force him to be like them.

9.  Your child will have no sense of his past which will make it difficult for him to envision his future.

10. Your child may suppress his true feelings and live an emotionally-numb life in order to survive the tragedy of his separation from you compounded by his adoption.

11. As your child becomes an adolescent he will have great difficulty establishing a sense of self because he will have no sense of his true history or heritage.

12. As your child becomes an adult he may have difficulty choosing a career and a mate due to his fear of commitment and abandonment.

13. Your child's adopters will probably not acknowledge that raising an adopted child is different from raising a child of their own. They will further burden him by telling him that he should forget about you and be grateful that they adopted him and gave him a home because you did not. 

14. Nothing anyone does or says can ever make up for the loss of your child's first family! 

15. You will never be able to change the past and undo the lifelong adverse effects of adoption on your child!

How do we know this?  Because we are a twenty five reunited mothers who have consistently witnessed first-hand these consequences in our found-children and the children of several hundred other natural mothers.

The Research Is In!

"I believe that the connection established during the nine months in utero is a profound connection, and it is my hypothesis that the severing of that connection in the original separation of the adopted child from the birth mother causes a primal or narcissistic wound, which affects the adoptee's sense of Self and often manifests in a sense of loss, basic mistrust, anxiety and depression, emotional and/or behavioral problems, and difficulties in relationships with significant others."

It is difficult to face the fact that by definition every adopted child is an abandoned child, who has suffered a devastating loss. No matter that the adoptive parents call it relinquishment and the birth mother calls it surrender, the child experiences it as abandonment.

"  The trauma of being separated from the mother, therefore, results in patterns of behavior, emotional responses, and the sense of Self and others, which will be different from that which would have occurred had there been no trauma.

"  It can no longer be assumed that one can replace the biological mother with another "primary caregiver" without the child’s being both aware of the substitution and traumatized by it. The mother/infant bond takes many forms and the communication between them is unconscious, instinctual, and intuitive." 



SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: LOSS

Push aside your keyboard for a moment and find a pencil and paper. Down the left side - spaced evenly - write:

My favourite sound
My favourite taste
My favourite smell
My favourite place
My favourite person

Now, fill it in before you read the article below!

Although difficult, choose among your favorites, discarding the one you will miss the least...Continue discarding until all of your favorites are gone.

Take careful note of how it feels to imagine losing all of your most favorites, including your favorite person.

 

(Now continue down the page)

 

 

 


A child's favorites are perhaps easier to recognize, but please consider the favorites of babies and the very real losses they experience during the hand-off of adoption.

Baby's favorite sound: The regular in and out of my mother's breathing and the dependable rhythm of her heart beat. But mostly the sound of her voice.

Baby's favorite taste: My mother's milk, created exclusively for me. And the taste of her skin, her breast. It is all one.

Baby's favorite smell: The scent of my mother's skin as I bury my face in her neck. It is basic and right. It is where I belong.

Baby's favorite place: Cradled in my mother's arms, next to the sounds and smells that I have experienced since my conception. This is home.

Baby's favorite person: My mother is my universe. She is a part of me just as I am a part of her. No one can replace her. If I am separated from her, I will long for her my entire life.

Adoptees, regardless of their age, whether they are newborn or older, domestically adopted or foreign, give up all their favorite things when they are adopted.

The loss begins with their name. They lose all information about themselves and their origins. They lose their identity.

They lose it all. They lose the smells and tastes and sounds and places and people with whom they are familiar...all of their favorites. Everything they have ever known is gone and changed forever.

Their greatest loss, which you surely understand, is the loss of their favorite person. They lose their most favorite person, irrevocably. Parents are NOT interchangable.

...from "Loss in the Adoption Hand-Off" by Darlene Gerow "This is my effort to help make adoption, when it is necessary, more humane. I dedicate it to all the adoptees in my life".
Reprinted with Permission from the Canadian Council of Natural Mothers.

" IF I gave up my baby and it was for her own good and it didn't hurt her...and it truly was better for her...then ok...I'll live with my pain.  The thing that TICKS ME OFF is that now I know it WASN"T and still ISN'T good/better for her or ANYONE to be removed from their first mom (unless mental instability/abuse/neglect).  Which actually - neglect may not happen if the first mom has support!!! The Adoptee carries a scar!  And THAT'S what I want people to know!!!  Children BELONG with their natural families!!! " - Melissa


Research and Articles:  

 

"I was told that I was 'doing the right thing.'  My question now is:  for whom? Certainly not my child and certainly not me!  I watch my raised-daughter with her children and truly realize that the 'bond is formed while carrying your child.' My one month old grandson knows his mom - her voice, her touch, her smell!  How traumatic it must be if the child cannot connect after birth with all of  that! It is truly frightening." - Veronica

"  After reuniting with my children, I have learned that the fairy tale of adoption is a myth of epic proportions.  There is no doubt in my mind that I could have raised my children, not only as well, but better than they were raised.  I was appalled at what they had suffered.  Though well-meaning, their adopters never addressed their primal grief and feelings of rejection. 

"  Now over 7 years into this reunion, I am convinced, more than ever, that adoption is an unnatural act that hurts the adoptee and the mother.   It is neither noble nor altruistic. It is anti-family and anti-motherhood at its most basic meaning.  It is not an option I can condone. " - Robin

 
 

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