This is my story. I became pregnant at 16. I was sent out of town, to a home for unwed mothers, until the problem was taken care of. I never went home again. I was deprived of my family, my friends, my cat, my clothes, my bed, my music, and my books. In the home we were expected to attend mass every morning and 'counseling' every day. If we didn't show up they came and found us and 'counseled' us right where they found us.

The counseling consisted of making a list of what we could and could not give our child. The one and only thing we could give our child that no one else had, was our love. That however was negated when they told us we were too immature to love as evidenced by the fact we were pregnant. We were told we didn't know anything about child rearing (a skill that can be learned and mentored). We were told we only wanted a doll to dress up and play with (we had out grown dolls and were baby-sitting brothers or sisters, cousins, and neighbor's kids). We were told we were selfish (people who want what you have and you won't give it up call you selfish.) We were told we would deprive the baby of a decent home (back yard, picket fence, dog, two cars in the garage, the American dream) and a two parent family (normal people susceptible to disruption, job loss, divorce, bankruptcy, alcohol and drug abuse, anger, violence, poor judgement).

Counseling consisted of telling us we had nothing to offer our child and all that we would do to harm our child and every thing we would lose if we kept our child. We were told we would ruin our lives and our child's life. We were told we couldn't attend school with a baby (there are now child-care centers on campuses). We were told no one would hire a single mom (single moms work all the time, everywhere their skills and talents allow them). And we were told no decent man would be interested in a ready-made family or would want to raise another man's child (decent stepfathers and happy, healthy stepchildren are everywhere).

Nothing was ever said of the basic human survival instinctual needs an infant has for her mother. An infant is hard wired to find her favorite smell, sound, taste, feeling, and her favorite thing; her mother. When her needs are not met, when she does not connect to the rest of herself, her complete self, she becomes afraid, frustrated, and angry. She screams and cannot be consoled. Her very survival is jeopardized. An infant fresh from her universe and thrust into the world does not understand separation from herself; her complete self; her mother. She is seeking to return to the bliss of her mother, her smells, sounds, touch and taste. Bliss and euphoria are denied, safety and security are denied, and a vital connection is not made when she is denied her mother. A wounding has happened. A wound that remains open and raw until that connection is made. She is anticipating the one and only connection that can heal her wound. She searches for the one and only connection that can complete her, make the connection, the connection to the rest of herself. The connection with her mother.

The first five years of a child's life are when the child's personality is formed and when life skills are learned. In her first five years the child is the center of her own universe, the sun revolves around her. People exist only in her presence; they don't exist outside her world. Everything happens because of her. This is when she learns how to define the loss of her mother. The child's development forms her concept of what happened. Once you, her mother, are gone your child takes care of herself. She defines her world in the only way the developmental process allows her. She was abandoned because she is unlovable, she is defective and the fault lies within her. As she then passes into the next phase of development she tries to find her place in relation to the world. She is now able to verbalize her thoughts and feelings. Are those my 'real' cousins? Where is my 'real' mom? I don't look like you, who do I look like, laugh like? Through all of this the people who adopt, who claim your child as their own, believe they have a blank slate. They do not acknowledge the earliest experiences of your child. They do not know how to deal with the trauma of separation and the loss of mother and bliss and connection. They try to replace what was lost and cannot because they are not what was lost. Your child will search for what she has lost. When the search becomes too painful to bear, a coping mechanism will protect your child by placing her needs and her search in a dark corner, unseen and yet still there.

At 16 and 17 I was as naive and as mature as any teenager can be. I trusted and believed adults and authority figures. I believed these people were only interested in my health and well being and the health and well being of my child. Yet these people I looked to, to take care of me, failed to teach me and prevented me from learning about child birth, child care, job skills, and government assistance. I went through my pregnancy not knowing what was happening or what to expect. I went through labor and delivery without any one with me other than a nurse that called me derogatory names and was rough and disrespectful. My water was broken, I was sedated, no anesthetic given for a large epesiotomy, and forceps were used on my daughter to pull her out. Labor and delivery was forced and fast. I was denied access to my daughter after her birth. I was frightened for my daughter and myself. When the papers were brought in to release my daughter into the care of the agency I refused. My decision was to raise my own child, where was she, bring her to me. I was told I had made my bed I was to now lie in it. It made absolutely no difference what I wanted and needed and what my daughter wanted and needed. The medical community worked with the Church, the government and an agency to deprive me of my child. I did not give my 'permission'. I signed a paper that told me it was done.

Dr. Phil advises women not to deprive their children of their mother. He further advises them to take care of themselves so they can give their children their mother. What do you need to do to provide your child her mother? Some things that may be of concern to you; college, employment, single parent hood, daycare, dead end jobs, state money, child support, misery for your daughter and you. Don't take the victims part of helpless, hopeless and misery. Instead use the strength of the mother you will be for your daughter. Search out and use those services that were designed to help you parent your child. Put your pride aside so that your daughter might have the bliss she needs. Services are designed to enable you to be self sufficient. Services are temporary just as your situation is now temporary. What is permanent is that you are the mother of your daughter. She wants and deserves nothing less that her mother. Her world is you. To lose you will tear her world apart. No amount of money or things can fill the void you will leave. No father is necessary for her health and well being. What is necessary is that she makes the connection with her mother and maintain that life sustaining energy. Where can you be in five years knowing that you are all that your daughter needs and wants? Would you give your life for your child, will you better yet give your life to your child.

Regarding the lawyer, agency, counselor and couple. They will encourage you to not parent your child. They don't want you to parent your child. Do you have information with which to make a fully informed decision between parenting and not parenting your child? That is part of being informed. When you tell them you have decided to not parent your child they are wonderful and sweet and you believe they are putting your feelings and desires first, they are warm and loving. In meeting the couple two or three times you will see only part of them, the good deserving part they want you to see. Ask them how they problem solve, what they disagree or bicker or fight about? Have they grieved their inability to have a child of their own? They will give a large amount of money to the agency. And the counselor takes a salary from the agency. Of course they aren't buying your child, that would be illegal. To avoid the appearance of buying and to avoid a couple having to give an agency or lawyer a large amount of money that could other wise be used for a child, surrender your child to a county agency. When you tell them you have decided to parent your own child what will they do? They will be disappointed and mad at you. They will, however, go on to another mother and her child. They will accept any child. Their life will not end if they don't get your daughter. However should they get your daughter her life, as she knows it, will end and so will yours.

I now want to tell you the rest of my story. At 19 I again became pregnant. Her father and I had lived together a year in a small very cute apt with a cat, a lawn, friendly neighbors and lots of kids (no picket fence). He went back to his wife several months after our daughter was born. We have seen him on one occasion since then when she was 3. We were on welfare for a few years while I went to school. I accepted books and tuition from EOP and a BEOG grant and food stamps and medical help. I had an after school job with the recreation department with my daughter at my side. And I had a summer job life guarding with my daughter in the pool all summer and lots of kids for her to play with. I met a decent, wonderful man who would meet my daughter at the Head Start bus and walk her across campus where I would meet them at the end of class. When she graduated from Head Start she then went to a pre-school program at the elementary school across the street from the college. I then attended a vocational school for eighteen months and graduated with a nursing license. We were then off welfare. We continued to get court ordered child support directly from his paycheck until my daughter was 18. We received more money from child support than welfare. When my daughter started high school I deposited the check in her account for her own use. She spent a year in New Zealand as a foreign exchange student. Using her own money she bought her own car and paid for gas and insurance herself. She now owns her own house. She drives a fire truck for a living following in the footsteps of that decent wonderful man who has been in her life from the age of 3.

I still have a very large hole in my heart from the loss of my first daughter. She is so angry with me for abandoning her she cannot have any form of communication with me. I absolutely refused to let them have my second daughter. These two young women are the absolute loves of my life. One daughter is at the greatest depths of my pain and sorrow, the other the center and greatest joy of my life.

When you decide to raise your child and give your child her mother, things will come to you to strengthen you. You and your daughter will have bliss and great joy.

I wish you all the best, I know there is a bright future out there and it includes your daughter. It was there for us.