My dear fellow natural mothers,

My name is Kaleiselvi, aged 31 from Malaysia, an Asian country bounded by reputation and honor.

In Sept 1999, I found myself pregnant three months from my relationship with my ex-fiance with whom i have already broken-up two months before.

When contacted he only wanted an abortion. I decided for single motherhood. My own mother threatened to kill me and my baby. Ironically she her self is a single parent after my father left her when i was born.

I was too ashamed to confide in family member and relied on the help of a father figure, a master from a spiritual movement. He offered to help me out financially and advised me to quit my job. He claimed he knew the spiritual nature of my child and that the child is someone important for his movement. Being a humanitarian wanting to sacrifice for the future of the world i was, i believed every word he said. When i was seven months pregnant, he suddenly told me that he wont be able to help me financially because he had lost some money. I did not have money to buy food, or medical bills or even maternity clothes as my own saving had run out by then. That was when he suggested that i should consider adoption.

He said all the words listed on your website:

"That i was not fit to be a mother"
"That my baby required a two parent family"
"That i am doing whats best for my chiild"

and even more,
"That my sacrifice would benefit the whole world"
"That i would evolve spiritually"

I flatly refused. But things got harder and I didnt even have enough money ready for my delivery. By the time i was nine months pregnant i was surviving on rice and fried eggs. Why i never got out it, i can never answer. I was staying in a house in a remote town so that 'to stay away from unwanted eyes" and my only companion was a dog. The master would visit once forthnightly.

Around the eighth month he brought a couple who i knew from the same movement to see me. They have been childless for seven years. They were extremely caring in my state and he suggested that i should go and live with them in my last month in case of any emergency.

I did not want to but he forced me and said he had to give up the house.

He then brought up the issue of adoption again. When I refused he said perhaps I should consider an open adoption and he says that my baby will stay with the couple until I was back on my feet. He told me to trust him. He claim to be a spiritual master-in fact someone next to God coming to save the world. How could I not trust him...

My daughter was born a day before my birthday on 7th of Feb 2000. I signed no paper. Everything was arranged by them. The master insisted i breast fed for a month so that the baby will get the proper nutrition. Then he told me to go to a different city to help do some work for him. I had hardly recovered from my delivery. When I refused to go, he said that I have failed him as a disciple.

So despite every single heartstring i felt pulling within my soul, i packed my bags for two weeks like he told me. That was the last i saw of my baby. The couple did not want to take my calls and the master told it was all for my good.

I dripped of breast milk for 2 months, each baby i saw on T.V. or heard from next door, even baby clothes from supermarket tore out of my heart and i went out of my mind. I never stopped crying for even 1/2 hour straight. i have no idea how i lived. I became a living dead. Still i had faith in what the master was doing and hoped one day, I will see my daughter Shamodhaya agaiin. I so desperately wanted to believe i had done the right thing like the master said though every single nerve in my body was screaming out NOOO!!!

After one and a half years, I saw her. The couple perhaps felt it was safe enough to bring her out in front of me in the presence of the master. but that was their biggest mistake.

I knew instantly i had to get her back, and one look of her thin body, I knew her soul was missing me.

I left the movement, told the master to go to hell and am now in midst of legal proceedings to get her back. But they are being difficult. In desperation i searched the internet for some solace, to know whether there are others like me out there and i landed on this website and i felt i had arrived! I know now that God would not want a mother to be cheated out of her child -- weren't mothers created because God could'nt be eveywhere everytime?? Only the selfishness and cruelty in a human heart could cause so much of suffering to a mother's heart.

I have a question to every woman out there who has adopted a child knowing the mother is suffering out there: How could YOU as a fellow woman and an aspiring mother live with yourself after such a betrayal of love and trust of the grieving mother and that child in your hands that will never be yours no matter how much you'd like to pretend to be??? It is only when you have truly understood and experienced a mother's grief, are you qualified to be a mother yourself. Causing sorrow to a mother by taking away her child is the greatest treachery you can do unto your own soul. Put a stop to this pain!!

I pray for all the exiled mother to be reunited in love with their children again and please pray that my Shamodhaya will be safely back in my arms again very soon. I need your love & strength.