"Birthmothers" Open Adoption Stories
   "Adoption practice works on the premise that, in order to save the child,
   one must first destroy its mother." - Dian Wellfare, founder of Origins Inc.

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open adoption


Considering open adoption rather than keeping your baby? Don't believe promises made by open adoption agencies, adoption lawyers or individual adopters that "Open Adoption" will let you see your baby.

Open Adoption is a myth in most cases, used in order to convince women to surrender their children so agencies can make money and adopters can obtain children. Once you relinquish, you have NO LEGAL RIGHT in ANY STATE OR PROVINCE to see your child. If you upset the adoptive parents, or if they NEVER INTENDED for the adoption to be open in the first place, then you are out of luck!!! Adoptive parents hold all the parental rights. You will legally have no more right to see your child than any other stranger would. Even mediation and courts cannot help if they decide to move to another state.

Heather Carlini, a certified medical hypnotherapist based in British Columbia and founder of the Carlini Institute, (which trains post-adoption counselors) is a reunited [natural] mother who has been treating other birth mothers and adoptees for 15 years. Her two books, "Adoptee Trauma" and "Birth Mother Trauma" have laid the groundwork for a growing movement to acknowledge the emotional, physical and psychological ramifications of adoption.
"The stories on TV that deal with adoption are usually stories in which everyone lives happily ever after," Carlini says. But that scenario is often far from the truth. Too often, "They forget to tell the girl that adoption has long-term effects on both the mother and child."
In the majority of such adoption cases Carlini has seen, the adoptive parents find a way to end contact. "In reality," she says, "once the adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents can move to another state and discontinue contact, or they can accuse the natural mother of harassing them, and [the natural mother] can be cut out of the picture."
- from "Choose Lies" by Deb Berry, Orlando Weekly News, Apr 17/03

"Biological parents in many locations are reporting that their supposedly open adoption have become closed once the decree has been signed. Adoptive parents report that attorneys have told them to promise biological parents anything because once the adoption is legalized they can do whatever they want. Some agencies are finding their adoptive parents making verbal or written agreements for future contact and then not keeping their promises. … The written adoption agreements may be solid but they are not legally binding, as determined by Oregon courts, because they have no statutory support. Yet making them legally enforceable will not necessarily solve the problem. As John Chally, Oregon attorney, pointed out in an interview, promissory notes are legally binding yet frequently broken” -- p. 266 of “Levels of Cooperation and Satisfaction in 56 Open Adoptions” by J. Etters, Child Welfare, Vol 72, (1993).

Even prospective adoptive parents who promise openness in-good-faith may later close the adoption if they begin to feel threatened by the natural loving bond between you and your child. And yes, as they are now the sole "legal parents" and your child is now "as if born to" them, they have every right to do so.

Want to keep an open adoption from closing? Be prepared to be a slave to the adoptive parents and obey every rule they set for you: like how often you see your child (if at all) and what you can do in your child's presence. If you displease them or if it's obvious that your child loves you, they can close the adoption at any time. Legally. And more than 80% of them DO!


Some "open" adoption stories:

Amy: I thought this would be the only chance to get to still see my son"
Coercion in adoption is alive and well in the USA - Tarin's Story
"HOW THEY STOLE MY BABY: The Secrets and Lies of An Open Adoption" 
Beckie: "I fought with the adoption agency for 3 months till he was 6 months old for the visitation I was promised."


Open adoption - Quotes from real moms who lost their own sons and daughters to adoption based on lies:

"I thought that if I gave my son up for adoption he would have a better life. She also promised me that if I did let them adopt my son that I could see him whenever I wanted and nothing would really change. I would always be welcome. A week after I signed the papers, she changed her tune. All of a sudden, I was a 'bitch' for giving up my child. I was an 'irresponsible' parent,etc. My son is now ten-years-old, 'she' has long since divorced her husband and remarried TWICE and her biological son forced my son into doing sexual acts!!!! The courts gave my son back to her!!! Now, none of us sees him at all." - Melinda James, Kansas"

"I had my son when I was 21. Unfortunately, I was much too naive to understand my rights ... I played right into the hands of a couple looking to adopt -- a couple who told me they'd watch him for the few months it took me to get back on my feet during my divorce and getting out of the Army. Well, they took my 18-month-old from me. He's now seven years old now, and I don't know where they are. PLEASE don't let anyone do this to you. Find out what legal assistance is available and don't ever give up! - From a grieving mother, Jennifer from Florida, July 2001"

"Yes, and to anybody considering adoption.. do not fool yourself. I was not stupid. I didn't just pick some couple out of a hat. This couple was perfect on paper. Young, financially secure, passed a homestudy with flying colors. They were sweet, and sympathetic, they praised open adoption and even agreed to include Dylan and my little sister in the openess. Just like most liars, they were good at their lies. I fell for it, hook line and sinker." - Kati, on Adoption Insights

"I promised an open adoption to a first cousin, I fulfilled all my obligations -- she has very cruelly broken hers. She has repeatedly placed my daughter, now 8, in danger due to a meth addiction. She burned their home in 1998 by meth lab, and my daughter is now going through trial -- molested and abused at 4 and 5 -- still being left with single, unstable alcoholics and drug abusers -- and no-one including CPS cares. An illegal adoption by fraud, undue influence, duress, deceit, drugs/narcotics, child endangerment, cruel mental & emotional cruelty to me & my daughter now 8 -- no one cares." - Sonya Tucker from Texas

"I am the natural mother of a adopted child. My mom took her away from me at the age of 16 and gave her to the DSS people. After they took her, they told me I could not get her back and had to give her up for adoption or give her to some one who could not have kids. So a girl friend at school told me she had a brother and his wife who could not have kids, and they wanted her. They told me that I could see her after they got her. They didn't want me to see her. They split-up in three years and moved with her to another state. I found her -- now she is 27 yrs old and doesn't want to see me - she was told that I wanted nothing to do with her." - Donna from South Carolina

"I put my first son up for adoption 12 years ago. This was thru an agency that is still operating out of San Antonio TX. It was supposed to be a 'semi-open' adoption. I was to receive, at minimum, an annual photograph of my child. In the first year of his life, recieved two very nice letters & two sets of photos from the adoptive parents, whose names are Bob and Marianne. After that, they never sent me anything, ever again. I have been pleading with the adoption agency for over a decade to do something, to correct this situation, but they won't do anything. They just give me the same old run-around year after year. I don't know if my son's alive or dead. What was done to me was unethical in the extreme, if not illegal. The agency misled me about what I could expect from them and from the adoptive parents. They took advantage of my youth and ignorance. My son's name is Ben. He'll be 13 in June. I think about him every day and wonder if he's okay." - Heather Webb, TX, USA.

"I waited until my son was 18 and I sent a letter to the address I believe he is living. It was an 'open' adoption in the sense that I know where he lives and got a picture once a year. (I am so grateful to know he is at least outwardly in good shape, but he looks so angry in the pictures.) The letter was delivered and not returned, but there is no contact from him and I am coming to believe he wants none. The anger and fear are fresh, and neither my husband nor my long-time friends understand, though they try. I have told my daughter that I had a baby a long time ago but he couldn't come live with me and it is very sad. That's about all she can handle. One of my worst fears was realized - my son doesn't want anything to do with me. Another huge fear of mine is that my daughter will think I think children are expendable because I 'gave' him up for adoption." - Anne.

"My family didn't believe that I could be a good mother, so they took my babies from me. They needed me to sign the papers, so they told me that I would be able to see my children as much as I wanted. So I did what I thought was best. I was so young. Now my kids live with some family far away and I never get to see them and I never get to talk to them. My heart breaks everyday, and I feel like there is nothing I can do. I miss my children so much." - Shannon, Texas

"The adoptive parents PROMISED me phone calls and pics every month. Well, guess what?? Now they have changed thier phone number and i get no more pics. My son is only almost 4 mos. old. They want to forget that I ever existed. My heart breaks over & over again every morning when i have to wake up without my precious son. There are not even words to describe what i am feeling." - Nancy Horton, Virginia

Open Adoption - Read how Adoption Agencies Brag About using open adoption to get more babies.

Open Adoption "Options" - how open adoption 'options' are promoted to get more babies for adoption customers.


Adoption agencies and lawyers stress to potential adopters that "openness agreements" are INFORMAL AND CAN BE MODIFIED LATER ON. They also define "open adoption" as there being "some degree of information exchange between parties." Thus, if you know the first names of the adopters, then it's technically an "open adoption" and they have no further obligation towards you. Once they become legal parents, they have NO obligation to honour ANY promises they previously made to you, in ANY STATE OR PROVINCE.



Note: The terms "unwed" mothers, "birthmothers", "biological" parents make a parent appear to be less than the mother or father they are. These terms dehumanize and limit the parent's role to that of an incubator. Using the honest terms "mother", "single mother" or "natural mother" help the public to understand why real family members must not be separated to obtain babies for adoption.



(birth-) Mothers Exploited By Adoption
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