I
wrote the following letter to the pastor of the church I've been
attending. Lately, it has become "Adoption Central".
9
March 2001
Dear
Rev. Smith
I have been attending your services for almost a year now and
generally, I really enjoy the church. Something happened
this past Sunday, however, that disturbed me greatly. During
the joys and concerns period, a man shared the fact that he and
his wife were close to adopting a child. The mother of the
child would soon be going into labor. Someone else talked
about a couple who had gone to Texas to pick up twins that they
would be adopting. As an adoptee who was separated from
my mother and the rest of my natural family for over 34 years,
I can't tell you how much hearing these things disturbed me.
Even more terrible, however, was the way the congregation reacted,
applauding upon hearing that each of the couples would be acquiring
a child through adoption.
While
I personally have nothing against either couple raising a child,
my heart goes first to the children themselves. From what
I understand, both couples will be adopting children whose mother
is alive and well. While there may be much joy by the adopters
in their obtaining these children, there is much sadness for the
mother and child, or children in the twins' case. Even more
disturbing is the fact that both these adopter couples have followed
the mothers during their pregnancy. Having just given birth
myself, I know how much a mother's feelings can change after her
baby's birth. When adopters have such close contact with
the mother, the mother often feels obliged to give her baby to
the adopters, whether or not she still wants to after the birth.
The
adopters and the congregation seem to be unaware of the severance
of the sacred mother and child bond and they seem unconcerned
about the mothers themselves. I currently work with many
mothers who've lost children to adoption and from what I've read
and heard, adopters and others usually think the mother is: A)
a horrible person for giving away the right to raise her child
or B) a "saint" for "loving the child" enough to give away the
right to raise him or her. The truth is that giving away
a child for adoption is a horrible thing to do; it is certainly
no "saintly" act. However, it is no less horrible for others
to take the child away from the mother, even if the mother claims
that she is "giving" the child to them. Children are not
merely possessions.
Could
it be that the congregation, knowing the adopters far better than
the mothers, tends only to look at the "gain" the adopters will
make? If they understand an inkling of what those mothers
will go through after going home with empty arms, they would try
to help the mother and child stay together, not separate them
via adoption. I was deeply disappointed that such an inhumane
thing as this would be tolerated and even encouraged by the congregation.
The only hope that I have for the congregation's understanding
of the harm of adoption is the letter that was written in this
week's newsletter. Sally Mendoholsen, a mother who lost
her firstborn to adoption, has attempted to start a dialogue regarding
the harm of adoption on mother and child and the difficulties
in the present $1.4 billion dollar adoption industry. Knowing
the joy that my son brings me each day and the difficulties I've
endured as an adoptee, despite wonderful people who adopted me,
I find it difficult to return to a congregation that so heartily
supports mother and child separation. I pray that Sally's
letter will help people understand how unfair the present adoption
system is in the United States and that your congregation will
begin to help preserve families, not to tear them apart via adoption.
Thank
You,
Tricia Shore
Reunited Adoptee
