"I wanted a perfect
ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme,
and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about: not knowing, having to change, taking the moment
and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen
next. Delicious Ambiguity." - Gilda Radner..
October
22, 1980. David Alan was born. I only gave him that name in my mind
and my heart. His birth certificate would read Baby Boy with my
last name. I didn't know the person that I had become by that time.
I was a walking zombie. I'd let other people convince me that letting
go of my baby would be in his best interest. I've always wondered
what happened to my best interest... I
died inside during my pregancy and the birth of my first born son.
I died because I'd made the decision that he deserved better then
me. Other people around me made sure that I believed that I wasn't
enough for him. My self esteem was in the sewer by the time he came
thanks to the adoption agency and well meaning people around me.
Now David was lost to me forever. I couldn't even conceive of what
a life without him would be like.. I can now.. because I've lived
without him for close to 19 years. I've
missed him.. mourned the loss of him.. and cried for him on a daily
basis. I've only recently discovered the depth of my loss. I've
only recently allowed the memories of that time and my precious
son to surface. The pain has been excrutiating.. The loss devastating
and the feelings of worthlessness have been deeply imbedded in my
psyche. Climbing out of the deep dark hole of this secret and shame
has been nearly impossible. It's been slow and painful. I've had
to learn to forgive myself for my weaknesses. I've had to work on
forgiving the people that I entrusted to do the right thing for
my baby.... and for me.. I haven't even begun to be able to forgive
them.. I have been able to forgive myself to some degree.. My
loss is far reaching... it has invaded every aspect of my life.
It has affected every decision I've made in the past and the ones
I'll make today and the ones I'll make in the future... because
there is a part of me.. my flesh and blood that walks on this Earth
and lives and breaths.. yet I have no knowledge of him. I really
don't even know if he is alive. I only pray that he is. I pray that
he's had a life that has been filled with the love and nurturing
that I would have been able to give him. I pray that he is cherished
by his family. I pray that he knows that he is loved and accepted.
Someday I pray that God will see fit to let me know my son. Let
me touch him and hear him and know that his life is good. Until
that day, I'll be stuck in my "not knowing" phase.. a place that
is very hard to move on from. 19
years ago I trusted people to do what was best for him.. Until I
meet him, I'll never know if my trust was misplaced or not. The
state and the adoption agency have no obligation to be accountable
to me. I signed a paper.. and that was it... I was no longer considered
a valued person in their eyes... I'd given them what they wanted...
my son... and now they had no use for me.. I was supposed to go
on with my life as if nothing happened.. as if a child never grew
inside me. As if that 9 months never happened. Talking about it
was impossible.. because I didn't have a handle on any of the emotions...
they were all jumbled up. I was becoming an expert at burying the
pain and there were times that I think I almost convinced myself
that it never really happened. Every October 22nd though.. forgetting
was impossible... the tears and the depression would grab ahold
of me and not let go.. I spent almost every one of his birthdays
in bed... feeling like I wanted to die.. Now
I feel the loss of my son every minute of every day.. because I
choose not to forget.. I choose to remember him. I choose to feel
the pain and the loss... I choose to move beyond the secrecy and
lies and educate myself and others on the devastating effects of
the closed adoption system on birthmothers and adoptees.. I choose
to look for my son and I choose to open my life to him if and when
he decides he wants to be a part of my life. I'm much better today
then I was a few years ago. I feel stronger and more at peace with
each passing day. Only because I no longer deny the existence of
my son. He is my son. He is part of me just as much as my other
3 children are. He is in my heart... and now his name is on my lips
when someone asks me how many children I have.. I say I have 4....
because in my heart I do have four... David Alan is my son.. I love
him and I don't need to deny that any longer. I
cannot go back in time and change that moment.. I can only go forward
and hope to open other people's eyes to the injustices that are
done everyday in the adoption industry. I fight for open records
for adult adoptees. I fight the lies that adoption agencies and
lawyers try to cram down people's throats. Mainly the lie that closed
records are closed for my protection and the protection of natural
mothers everywhere. Records are closed to protect the agencies and
the lawyers from being found out... and in the process lives of
adoptees are made more difficult. It is everyone's right to know
their heritage... an adoptee is denied this every day. David will
never know his heritage unless he searches for me.. Searching isn't
an easy task, nor a cheap one... If he could access his original
birth certificate, he'd see my name... and his search wouldn't be
so difficult... I don't want to hide from him... Most natural mothers
don't want to hide.. they didn't give their children up because
they wanted to hide from them.. they did it because they wanted
something for them they couldn't or didn't think they could give.
Adoption
isn't the angelic situation that it has been made out to be. Surely
there are situations where children are rescued from horrible situations
and adopted into loving homes... but it is insulting to me to think
that my son was "rescued" from me and placed with "better" people.
To all the young women out there that are pregnant and thinking
about adoption... There are other options... Please look into them
before you start to believe that your child needs to be rescued
from you...
"Education is the
most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world."...Nelson
Mandela
